Open Note to the Self-Appointed Queens of Discernment

So. Based on that am I Christian, Mormon, or Other?

To all my regular readers: Please ignore me today. I am in a very foul mood. Some of you know why. If you don't, consider yourself lucky--it's drama, drama, drama. I thought I could let it go, but I couldn't. I was going to write a thoughtful piece on it, but I didn't. Instead, I spent 15 minutes searching for this darn bunny so I could post it and make myself laugh a little.

While you're ignoring me, please check out some other sites:

Rocks In My Dryer

Daring Young Mom

Soule Mama

Damn Interesting

One Woman's World

Play One On TV

I'm Not Just A Google Search...

I'm several. Here are just a few of the things you can Google and my blog comes up.

• meatballs and spaz
  
• krispy kreme donut cakes
  
• edith lederer birthday
  
• I love Krispy Kreme
  
• devine design candice pregnant
  
• make burp rags out of
  
• don't try anything funny the mean
  

And that's just this week. I'm telling you, if you don't have Site Meter, you need to get it. When you're addicted to blogging, comments and visitors are the equivalent of crack. Site Meter lets you know who visits, how they found you, how long they stayed, where they are, etc. Go.

Now.

Seriously.

You can thank me later.

Writer's Block = Game Show Host in Your Living Room

I wish, I wish, I wish I had something interesting to write about tonight. Wouldn't you know I have writer's block the week of the big Blog Awards over at One Woman's World? Seems my luck is holding.

I spent today cleaning the kitchen, bleaching sinks, sweeping floors, cleaning out closets and hutches, dislodging hardened Play-Doh from forgotten toys, and laundry. Mounds and mounds of laundry. As I'm doing all these "mommy" chores I'm thinking about the "Million Dollar" meme I've seen on some sites. Picture this:

Wink Martindale is suddenly in my living room standing over me as I break my back to get that last line of dirt into the dustpan--you know the one. You sweep it into the dustpan, move the pan, sweep it in again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Back to Wink: Chilihead! What would you do with one million dollars? Well, Wink, I'd hire a house manager or lure Matt Damon into my smallish walk-in closet.

I need a house manager because I don't just want someone to come clean my floors and toilets, I want someone to make sure we have groceries, do the laundry and put it away, and pick up after me. Oh wait. That sounds a lot like what I do. I guess I just want a mommy that will go home at the end of the day and let me enjoy the best parts of my life without all the drudgery. How's that for reasonable? Does a million dollars buy that these days?

Sledding Without Snow

Grass sledding in February.

Today I took my kiddos and some friends sledding. It was 70+ degrees Farenheit today and we went sledding! Grass sledding, that is. We are fortunate enough to have a nice little park by our house with a great hill. We usually use that hill to learn to ride bikes without training wheels or sled on snow. Today we discovered that our plastic sled discs are just as good on grass as they are on snow.

We took our sleds to the top of the slope and down they went. Everyone was giddy with delight. Children screamed with joy, threw their hands up in the air as they went down, and smiled until I thought their cheeks would pop. They literally ran up the hill with those sleds. They sledded alone, sledded with each other, sledded with the discs, sledded with cardboard boxes they found. They discovered how to make "sparks" by dragging their feet behind them while laying on their bellies (the dry grass would shoot out from their feet like sparks). They had races. They disagreed about whose turn it was. They agreed this was the most fun they'd had at the park in a while. It was a great afternoon.

Then we returned home. Let the chaos begin. I was going to write about that chaos, but you know what? I changed my mind. Let's leave this on a a good note. Let's stay at the park sledding down a grassy slope, smiling and having fun.

I Coulda Been A Contenda

Now the moment you've all been waiting for: The Big Reveal!

1. David Letterman: Not true and totally made up. I've never even been to New York.

2. State Champion: True. Apparently no one has any faith in me at all when it comes to competition. I don't blame you. Here's the scoop.

When I was in eighth grade I was a gymnast in an age group with very little competition and was consistently scoring 9.0-9.8 on both vault and floor exercises. I had a pretty good shot at becoming the state champion in both of those events. I quit before the season was over so I could be a cheerleader. I was a cheerleader for about two years and stopped in high school. Sure, I went to the try-outs because my mom wanted me to, but I didn’t smile and I was a bit slow. Wonder why I didn’t make the squad? There was no way I was going to wear those short skirts during the winter and freeze my tushy off any more.

In high school I was the captain of the swimming and diving team. I wasn’t that great at either, but I made it to the state diving competition. I was a shoe-in to at least make it to the final round, but I decided I’d rather be home for a date and a free dinner. I made sure I didn’t make the cut and was home by 7:00pm. OK, so I really didn’t have a great chance at the diving championship, but it was a chance none the less and I ditched it.

Sports were just never the be-all, end-all for me. I specifically chose sports where I could be responsible for myself and not beholden to a team. Had I been in a team situation, I would have made a better and more successful effort.

3. California jay-walking: This actually happened to a friend of mine. And she was just out for a walk to get some fresh air because she was sick! It was awful for her.

4. Anthony Edwards: I did go to CA for an internet conference and I did go into a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf to get some iced tea. But the only thing that happened there was that they gave me $1 too much in change and I kept it. I felt bad for the rest of the trip and actually almost drove all the back to return it. Then I didn't. And I still feel bad.

5. Bartending: This, again, was from the life of a friend, albeit a different one than the one who was sick and in jail. And yes, the butt funnel part is true. No, I will not tell you what it entails exactly. Let's never speak of it again.

I love the fact that only my dad knew I was lying about everything but number two. Of course, it's easy for me to lie in print; if you could see my face you'd know I can't play poker.

Self-Portrait Tuesday #2

For my second ever Self-Portrait Tuesday I offer you my husband me in party dress. Well, I'm in a dress. My husband and I were invited to attend a fundraiser on Saturday. Here we are in all our glory before the big shin-dig. Never fear, though, the answer to the T/F Meme will be revealed Wednesday.

We met three other couples at the fundraiser that we regularly hang with and we had a fantastic time. The theme was Mardi Gras. We had gumbo, etouffee, bread pudding, margaritas, and cosmos--funny, we didn't ever get around to trying the Hurricanes, go figure. We also never got around to dancing, which is probably a good thing. My husband is a hopelessly "white" dancer (overbite and all) and I'm hopelessly Elaine from Seinfeld. Together we make other people point and laugh out loud. Of course, given that most of the people there were ridiculously drunk--did I mention the theme was Mardi Gras?--I don't think it would have mattered whether we danced or not.

When I say people were ridiculously drunk I'm not overstating it. By the time we left there were three ladies in their late 50s/early 60s standing on a platform that was meant to look like the apartment verandahs on Bourbon Street. These ladies were tossing beads to people below. And by "tossing beads to people below" I mean chucking them very hard at unsuspecting patrons who were doing nothing more than drinking their Hurricanes. One minute you're having a nice conversation with someone, enjoying your drink, the next a fish necklace hits you right in the kisser. Hey! Thanks! More beads! And as a bonus, a slight concussion! You rock! Happy Mardi Gras to you!

Here I am with all my beads after the par-tay:


Don't forget to check back tomorrow to see which lie is true.

No, we did not wear the glasses to the Mardi Gras function; they are simply to protect our super hero identities.

BTW, if you're visiting from One Woman's World, please read these two posts before you vote:

1. The Seedy Underbelly of Blog Addiction
2. What's Your Management Style?

Not everything I write is funny, but those are the best I have. Thanks for stopping by! Even if you don't vote for me, would you mind leaving a comment? I love to meet new bloggers!

Spin Art Valentines

As usual, I was caught off guard by the fact that Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. I realized at 4:00 this afternoon that we did not have any cards for the school parties tomorrow. What’s a mother to do? Why, pull out the spin art, of course. So here are the fruits of our labors:



My kids lu-huv the spin art. They would do it for hours at a time if I would let them. The designs are awesome and the kids really feel like no matter what they make it’s amazing. They are right. There are no mistakes in spin art and everything they make is amazing. It is so much fun to find the true design of their art. Sometimes it is a peacock, a heart, or an eye. Sometimes it’s just the way the colors blend together. Listening to them compliment each other and try to “see” the finished product is interesting--a glimpse into their little minds.

Don’t forget to vote on the post below. Which one of those “lies” is true?

The True or False Meme

I'm sure anyone who's reading me has been to DYM and Rocks to see the T/F Meme. It's hilarious and I encourage you all to do one and let me know so I can check it out. Here are the rules:

Write five things about yourself with only ONE of them being true. The other four are fiction, and everyone else gets to guess which one is not fiction.

1. I scored tickets to David Letterman (it was absolutely freezing in there; if you go, I suggest you take your coat) and was chosen to answer various questions when he came into the audience. He made fun of me for being from Oklahoma then asked me some questions. I won a steak dinner for two, but I had to give it away because we were leaving in the morning.

2. I had a chance to be state champion in all of following: vault (gymnastics), floor exercises (gymnastics), diving. Instead of competing I quit the gymnastics team and ditched the diving competition for a date.

3. I spent a day in a California jail because of a jay-walking ticket.

4. On a trip to LA for an internet conference I went into The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf to get some iced tea and I accidentally bumped into someone and spilled their coffee. That someone was Anthony Edwards from ER and Top Gun fame. Of course, I never get to see the really famous ones. Why couldn’t I have tripped and fallen straight into Paul Newman’s lap? Now that’s worth writin’ home about.

5. I spent my college summers bartending at various resort towns up and down the eastern seaboard. I’m telling you, you haven’t lived until you’ve seen frat boys do a little something called a “butt funnel”. Ewww.

The Olympics are here! The Olympics are here!

Picture me running around like an idiot a la Steve Martin in The Jerk when the new phone book arrives.

The Olympics are here! Oh how I love the Olympics. On Friday night we watched the opening ceremonies. We had a delightful time and it was one of the best family nights we've ever had.

The rule at our house is "No food or drink upstairs" (unless you are my husband who apparently does not have to adhere to silly rules that HE made and so leaves two to ten half-full diet root beer cans sitting on various surfaces in the playroom). Friday, though, we ate take out from Pei Wei upstairs in front of the TV. After dinner we had root beer floats, popcorn, and chips and dip. We ate. We drank. We made fun of the dancing cows. We also made fun of the "Alps" dresses and the various funny hats people were wearing. We danced to the awesome 80s pop tunes they played. Then we sat in awe of the people in raincoats who formed a moving ski jumper. That was cool. I can't really tell you anything else that happened because the fatigue I told you about in my last post was actually a migraine coming on. So I went to bed.

But we've been watching the Olympics every minute we can since then. The overriding question at my house has been this: Just HOW do you get your kid into some of these sports? Hey! Munchkin! I have an idea. Why don't you put some sticks on your feet and slide down the roof. When you get to the end, jump. I'll measure how far you go. Trust me. It'll be fun. No? Ok, then lay down on this sled and I'll push you down this hill. Don't worry, you can steer with your feet. No, there won't be any cars coming...I don't think.